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A Semicolonic Rant

Disclaimer: Don't worry. This post has absolutely nothing to do with cleansing or flushing or other intestinal-type unmentionables.

“Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.”

Every time I see a semi-colon, I want to whip out a flyswatter and smack it for the annoyance that it is. Yeah. I know. Grammar teachers get all twitchy whenever I attack a piece of punctuation. But really, do we need to hook up sentences like a never-ending train in a work of fiction?

I think not.

Before you pitch your rotten tomatoes, make sure you've got enough in your bushel basket because I'm not the only one with an aversion to semi-colons.

"The semi-colon is a burp, a hiccup. It's a drunk staggering out of the saloon at 2 a.m., grabbing your lapels on the way and asking you to listen to one more story."

Semi-colons tend to make readers stumble. It pulls them out of the story, making them wonder if the dang thing was used correctly or if it was really necessary in the first place. Worse, the reader isn't sure, so he digs deep into his gray matter, desperately trying to recall his junior high grammar class. Cue instant adolescent angst, and trust me on this, ain't nobody got time for that.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we pull out the big guns and blow all those dotted curves to teeny tiny bits of punctuation dust. Semi-colons have their place in non-fiction, just stay out of my fairy tales.