Details, Details, Details
Earlier today I received an email from a cyber friend. It said:
I'm writing this with great grievance . I'm presently in Scotland, United Kingdom.with my Family for a short vacation and we're stuck..And really it was unannounced. We were attacked by four armed robbers on our way back to the hotel where we lodged.we were robbed and completely embarrassed.
All our cash,credit cards and cellphone were stolen. We've reported the incident to the embassy and the Police but to my dismay they seem not bothered...their response was just too casual.Our flight leaves in few hours but We've got to settle our bills before We're allowed to leave....Now am freaked out....Please I need you to loan me some money,I promise to refund you as soon as I'm back home. All i need is $1,650 .. Please Let me know what you can do?Write me back so I can tell you how to get it to me..
So...let's pick this writing apart, shall we?
From a creativity standpoint, I'll give it a 3 out of 5, mostly because whoever wrote it upped the ante by adding in the 'armed' in front of robbers. Nice touch. I also like how the author included a ticking time bomb. Their plane leaves in a few hours. Will they make it or not? Cue dramatic background music.
The single detail, however, that should've been changed to make this more believable is up front. She's presently in Scotland? Sheesh. Scotland is rolling hills and kilts, not roaming bands of AK47 toting thugs. Maybe if the author had said they'd been threatened with bagpipes I'd have bought it.
Nah. Even that wouldn't have worked. Why? Because Scotland doesn't fit the connotation of desperadoes robbing innocent tourists.
Next time you're in creative mode, crafting an intense scene, make sure your details match up with what you're implying. Otherwise it might end up getting mocked on a two-bit blog.