For the past twenty years or so, I've served Lemon Sage Turkey to my fellow Thanksgivians to kickstart our holiday poundage. And now, at long last, by popular request, here is the recipe...

LEMON SAGE TURKEY

3 tablespoons grated lemon rind (but stop when you get to the white part, it's nasty and bitter)
1/4 cup fresh lemon juice (you had to do something with all those naked lemons, right?)
3 tablespoons dried thyme (I like fresh)
2 tablespoons dried rubbed sage (ditto)
1 tablespoon cracked black pepper (I wimp out here and just used the stuff already ground)
1 teaspoon salt (go ahead, it won't kill you unless you eat half a container every day)
A 12 pound turkey, thawed (this is the deal breaker if you're vegan, and 12 pounds? really? My 19 year old could eat that much for a bedtime snack. Today I'm cooking a 24 pounder...and I doubled these ingredients.)

1. Combine everything except the turkey. Come on. What'd ya think? Would you seriously have had a big enough bowl to mix in the turkey?

2. Give your turkey a bath in the sink. Remove the oogly-googlies from inside. You can cook them in a separate dish or give them to the dog. Your call.

3. Starting at the neck, loosen skin from breast and drumsticks by playing proctologist, I mean inserting fingers and stretching it out a bit. Then shove the sage mixture to coat between skin and turkey flesh. Oops. I think I just made a few vegans throw up in their mouths a little.

4. Do the flip side of Mr. Turkey and use up all the herb deliciousness. Then put the bird breast side down in a big ol' roasting pan, add 4 cups of chicken broth, cover with foil, and voila. However many hours later (depending on size), you will have a a tasty mouthful of poultry to start your 10 pound holiday weight gain.

Oh yeah, little tip... let the turkey rest for at least a half hour before you cut it up to serve. Keeps it juicier. And don't forget to make some mouth-watering gravy with all the pan drippings!