Don't panic. I'm not attending the Prostitutes on Parade Conference. I don't even own a thong. Oops. TMI?

The unvarnished truth, however, is that while writers of integrity claim they're attending a con to glean a harvest of writerly wisdom from the experts, even those folks are secretly hoping to close a book deal...which inevitably means getting out the word about your idea for the next Great American Novel.

There are ways to go about this. There are also definitely ways NOT to go about this, pole dancing among them (especially at a Christian conference). Calm down. I'm here to help you distinguish between the two.

When To Talk About Your Story

You will get opportunities to pitch your story. That's one of the biggest perks of attending a con. There are appointments set up just for this purpose. That's when you can pull out your darling and show off the chubby cheeks on your beautiful little story idea.

Meals are also an opportunity to sit with a person of publishing influence and work in your SHORT blurb for your story.

And if another writer, or if you hit the literary jackpot, agent or editor engages you in conversation, go for it. Just remember to be respectful. If you see their eyes glazing like a zombie, it's time to change the subject.

When NOT To Talk About Your Story

Sometimes I wonder if agents and editors avoid taking the elevator or using the public restrooms. Both are notorious for creepy writerly stalkers. "Psst. Hey, buddy. Take a look in this overcoat and see my blockbuster story idea." Wrong, wrong, wrong, on so many levels I'd need a calculator to figure it out. If you happen to meet an agent or editor in passing, don't grab the poor fella by the collar and back him up against a wall. Here's a tip: be human. Be kind. Meet and greet. If you sense he's in a hurry (meaning you have to be aware of him and his vibes instead of your sweaty armpits and the story bubbling up in your throat), let the little critter run free. You'll get another chance. Yes, you will. Don't make me come over there.

Guess what. There are authors at conferences. Big names. The greats who you're sure would jump at the chance to endorse your manuscript, lobbing you into the big time. As I said yesterday, go ahead and meet those authors, but do not--look at my face, you're wandering--do NOT spew your fifteen book epic space opera idea all over the front of their shirt. If they ask about your writing, give them the 2 sentence version. You do have one, right? Because if you don't, sit down right now and write one.

The bottom line is remember what your mother taught you. No, not the elbows on the table thing (which I never understood). Treat others as you would like to be treated. Be respectful. You do not want to be remembered as Susie Blabbermouth.